Christmas thoughts
Feeling guilty about not giving to my studies for the past few days (or few weeks), I made myself a strong coffee and started burying myself in some of the mathematical equations. Barely 30 mins into it, I felt lazy again. It’s Christmas! And I’m 25 going 26. And I’m still a student.
This is quite a long due post. It’s a must after your birthday isn’t it? I celebrated my 25th 10 days ago. For those who know me, you’d know that these symbolize the struggle/phase that I’m going through for the past few months, or maybe, in the lesser extent, the past few years.
Due to the uniqueness of the path that I had taken, I spent 3 years preparing for my tertiary education, for both the A-Levels and German language course. Add in another 4 and half years for my first degree and you know it’s a long time. Two months ago, I started my Master course which will take me another two years.
Well, in Germany, that’s far from being abnormal. I wouldn’t be boasting to claim that the educational level is far superior to other countries in similar stages. Notice that I’m only claiming about the level, not the quality, which means that syllabus is deeper, but not necessary, the teaching style. Students who went overseas to UK and US routinely come back with experience that it was far too easy to obtain good grades.
Not to mention the industrial experience. I’ve been working part time for the past 3.5 years. I was pleasantly surprised by myself recently when I started on my new part-time job. I completed the programming task within 30 hours, and i was originally expected to do so in 120 hours. I attribute it to experience, rather than some super skills, which doesn’t really exist when it comes to programming.
Yet, despite all the evidence that I’m sort of on the right track, I can’t help but to form lots of alternative scenarios, one which I’d be in my 3rd year of full time working. The working world doesn’t daunt me at all, it’s a place where I’d thrive. It’s a place where I can outperform all expectation. It’s a place where innovation can be done. Surely it’s also a place with expectation, responsibilities, appointments, back-stabbing, pressure…. and and and. But what’s the point of avoiding them when you know it’s not gonna disappear, ever?
Sometimes, when I sit in the classes, it doesn’t feel right. I really should be in some company, striving like every one of my peers is doing. Surely I’m having a good life, as many have told me. A free schedule, without all the chains of a job. Honestly though, I can’t help but to have the feeling that I’m wasting my life sometimes.
When I plunge myself into the working environment though, there’s a distinct possibility that I would no longer have my own destiny in my own hands. I would have to go along with the flow. I cannot choose to just put down my work when I feel like it. The next assignment, the next promotion – it’d be a titanic struggle to put them down. Come to think about it, and to a larger extent, it’s the same when it comes to becoming a husband or a father, isn’t it? You no longer live for your own.
In that aspect, I would like to be different.I am a dreamer, an idealist. I believe the possibility of a fulfilled life, a life where God-given talents and gifts would be used appropriately. So I want to be a teacher, someone who can spread the knowledge to others. It can take the form of a book, a seminar, a lecture, 1-to-1 talks or anything else. I want to work freely, not necessarily short, but free. Middle of the night, or early dawn, it’s okay.
That’s the motivation for my path. I try to complete my education of technology with education of people, to learn how people are learning. As I’ve said once, the more I know, the more I know I don’t know. But that’s not gonna stop me from trying to know everything, moderately. A little of politics, a little of finance, a little of cooking and baking, and even a little of flirting. =P
And when the time is right, and when my mind is prepared. Maybe, just maybe, I can come up with a way to contribute, to produce, to work, to impress without the burden and the chains of a job. Is that even remotely possible. I don’t know, but I believe.
So what’s the verdict? I really don’t know. For all I know, I might end up doing what everyone else has been striving for. A stable job, a good family, a roof on your head and an annual family trip. It doesn’t sound bad at all, don’t get me wrong. But deny as I try, I can’t deny the ambition of the dreamer in me. I just want, and need, and will try to achieve my dreams, whatever they are.