Life & Me

rainy days

I love rainy days.

Rainy days are called “shit weather” here in germany. For me, rainy days are the most peaceful weather of all. Best companion to a cup of hot coffee. Or snuggling in bed.

Or simply nothing at all.

Because the best things in life, don’t necessary have to be enjoyed with something else. It’s perfect by its own.

Like the symphony of the drizzling rain right now.

cleaner

my boss uses me as a cleaner – cleaning up the mess. Sometimes, it’s to clean up the job someone else has messed up with. To sort out the datas, the verify the results and so on. The word “clean” has another meaning in German – to do something effeciently and orderly. So if he wants a job to be “clean”, he comes to me.

It seems that he likes me. Just a week ago, he actually said, you know what, you’re the best.

….. I think he learnt that from some human-relation course and I’m the N person he’s used that on.

So today, while talking to him about the word, he mentioned,

“Jia Jin, I think you should clean up your desk.”

…………….

I agree.

And I did.

Updates

With a whole new revamp of my blog, only one thing is missing – content. Sometimes I wonder how I can conjure up interesting material from my life. Some poeple have this talent, being able to tell an entertaining story from seemingly mundane stuff. The meaning of mundane is not “boring”, but nearer to “routine”.

I just came back from a church camp, and it was a refreshing time indeed. I’ve been joining my church for more than 3 years now. Surprisingly for me, considering the size of it, it’s been a time where I understood a whole lot more than I used about my faith, my God and what church is all about.

Not coincidentally, my vision for my life was formed in the last 3 years as well. I’d like to go into the area of teaching in the future. I define teaching in very vague and encompassing way. It can be lecturing, consulting or even counseling.

Being a person who can never stop planning, I long to know how things would turn out not just in the coming months, but decades. I always thought this, even until a few days back, that this is the right way to do things. In the past few days in the camp however, I realized God was telling me something else – trust me and just take the next step.

“Failing to plan is planning to fail” – that’s what anyone would say, right? Do you realized the assumption behind that sentence – that if you don’t plan, no one else is going to do it for you.

But you don’t need me to quote Jeremiah 29:11 to show it otherwise. It’s in believing that and living it out that’s posing the biggest challenge for me. To trust that He’s in charge, to believe that all things will work for those who loves Him.

Maybe I can’t handle it if all things were to be revealed to me in a go. Maybe I’d be freaked out. But I do have the capability to plan and execute the next step. Just the next step.

That’s what strucked me the most in the camp. This worrying about the future has been bothering my heart and taking away the peace that I want. What about my PhD? What about my salary? What about my dreams? What about going back to Malaysia? What about Stephanie? What about family? What about friends? I never thought the ability to plan is going to backfire. Truth is, it did.

I know what the next step is, I can’t explain but I do. It’s to continue studying and equiping myself along the way. Even the place to do that is getting clear, in this city called Karlsruhe. It’s a place where I can continue to be trained and to train the people around me.

And maybe, just maybe, God would lead me to the place where I should be. And maybe looking back then, I’d smile at my impatience.

We’ll see about that.

New design

Thanks to Vern aka Kooky, who has agreed to design the website, my blog has just got a major revamp, hurray!

The “deal” goes something like this, I’d let her use this website as a playground or guinea pig, and in return, I’d get the designs. To be honest, I think I’ve got a major bargain in this. So Vern, thanks again! I owe you a big one.

In the future, I’d divide my website into a few sections. Firstly, I’d use this place here solely for the happenings in my life and not in my mind. I think the audiences for these two groups are quite different. From now on, all my “philosophical” thoughts would be placed in www.bargerbarger.com/thoughts.

If you don’t want to visit both sites everytime you come by, you can simply subscribe to it with any RSS reader, my personal favourite is Google Reader.

I do hope to make this a pleasant place to visit for everyone of you. If the 3 minutes-hot-chicken-shit syndrome does not strike, that is.

Cheers!

post thoughts of a trip

Sitting at the lounge waiting for my flight back to germany. After 15 laughter filled days, my parents just took another flight back to malaysia. it’s always at the moment of separation that you feel the
sudden moment of lost. The nostalgic thoughts and reflection can create a surge of emotions which transforms into moist eyes. It was no different with me.

After listening to the experience of my friends, I tried to plan the trip which involves as little walking as possible. I worried that they’ll break down after a day or two. So it really came as a surprise, albeit a pleasant one, that they were exceedingly fit. All in all, we averaged more than 10km per day, which is a feat for people of any age.

I left home more than 7 years ago. Many perceptions and images of my family were formed before that. With a little maturity and understanding now, I found myself having new insights one after another in the past two weeks. it’s indeed strange when I actually took care of my parents from food, lodging to even their qualms. Imagine your dad started chanting, “give me food, give me food” in the middle of the street and you’d have pretty good idea of our trip. We laughed our heads off almost daily.

Steph joined us for the paris part of the trip. I’m very glad that she got to see my parents and the interaction between us. I guess she knows where my booming voice and the utter lack of table manners come from. We shared loads of my childhood, with one joke funnier than the last. The combination o memories of my past, experiences of my present and the imagination of my future gave me a strange feeling indeed.

With all the childish attics I displayed and steph witnessed, the description her friend gave me sounds more appropriate than ever – the child trapped in a giant’s body.

Of course, it’s a side well guarded. Looking at my plans for the weeks to come, I’d have turn the switch to the problem-solving mode once thwarted plane touch down.

I guess there’s a side of us that we hide very well, where only the closest to us know. Where image means little, where responsibilities are not burdensome, where compliments are not held back, where faults are not remembered and where love freely flows.

Surely it’s a place I want to be. I’ve experienced it. Now it’s back to continue striving for it.

About some crap

I’ll not be around for the next two weeks. My parents are on their way to Europe. This is the first time my mom is coming to Europe, and probably just the 2nd time for my dad. I hope they are indeed excited. I still remember the time when I was about to come to Germany, they plan to come around the time I’m finishing my studies. And here it is.

The weird thing about it though, is that I can’t feel too much of the excitement. People has been asking me about how excited I am of them coming. The correct answer would definitely be “OH YEAH!”. But it’s not so.

Not that I don’t want them to come. Not that it’s not nice to see them. Not that I’m not close to them. Not that I’m a bad son (I hope not).

The conclusion, one that I’m drawing now, is probably that I need to learn a big lesson in relaxing and be more human. By being more human, I mean, being more relational.

It can sound pretty cold-blooded, but sometimes I see everything as a task. Don’t get me wrong, task is not burdensome at all. In fact, I enjoy fulfilling a task. It makes me happy. Let me illustrate.

Making someone happy will make me happy. Sounds good right. Sometimes, I caught myself thinking…

It’s a task to make someone happy. He,She is happy. I’ve fulfilled my task. Therefore I’m happy too.

………

Typing that out made it more cold-blooded that I thought. I think my parents will whack me when they see this. But no worries, no internet for them for the next 2 weeks.

(What am I babbling now?)

Anyway, I think I’ve probably been too busy. Settling things here and there, up and down have forced me to be in my “problem-solving” mood pretty often. Steph hates that. That’s the time I’d be really cold-blooded. Eyes fixed on the goal, I’ll slash whatever on my path just to reach my goal.

I recently realized that I can be that even playing board games as well. Which is why my juniors seem to be pretty mad at me. Not that they can beat me. (And that was meant as a provocation….) =)

It has been a hectic weekend. I even had climbed in my school to continue the work on my thesis. Thank God I managed to solve part of the problem. I really wanted to finish it before my parents come so that I can have the peace of mind. In the end, I was locked inside the school. Apparently the guard didn’t know that some crazy fellow would be in the school on Saturdays. But I found my way out.

On Sunday, I led the small group in church and was responsible for the teaching. An idea struck me a few days ago and I decided to combine the worship and teaching together. It was a great time, worshiping Him while learning something. Some told me it was something different and refreshing. Steph was proud of me. =) But to be honest, I felt slightly ashamed inside, knowing that I’ve really done nothing much. All the material was prepared on that morning inside, in a rush. And above everything, it was more like my personal time with Him. I guessed the one thing I did right, was to invite Him to come and dwell among us. The more I lead or learn to lead, the more I realize, it’s not me leading after all.

Last night I had a weird dream, and it was one of those rare times where I remembered them vividly. I was in an exam room, an English exam, and I finished it in record time. For some reasons, I was allowed to walk around the class to teach other people. In my usual style, I bossed around, telling them how to do things…. Time past and it was time to hand up, and I was helping this guy to answer a question, wondering at the back of head, why does it take this guy so long to finish such a paper? Then suddenly I realized, I didn’t finish my paper! I left two pages blank.

Dreams don’t always make sense but sometimes there are lessons from it. In this case, I actually remembered learning the lesson in my dream. I was telling myself – Humility, Jia Jin! Humility!

I woke up, believing I’m still in my dreams, and actually sat beside my bed and prayed for humility. Sometimes, God will send some warning before something bad really happens. But why does it always have to do with exam hall?

Enough crap. Finally I’ll be having a break. I hope I’d make the most out of it. I wonder how’d it be like traveling around Europe with my parents. I hope to come back with a fresh mind and renewed motivation for everything around me.

Including making sure that no one beats me at board game.

home vacation

One more mushy post and I’d stop (for a while). =)

Though i feel stressed up all over again now, I want to jot down a little about the easter weekend. Steph and I decided not to go anywhere, but just to spend time at each other’s place. Well, we call it, our home vocation.

During normal days, it’s hard just to sit down and relax. Work, school, chores, people, meetings and so on and so forth. Coincidentally, everyone is not around during this easter break, and even our church has taken a break. All this means, a perfect time for us just to spend with one another, no stress.

But lots of food.

Though having the goal of getting thin, slim and fit. All we achieve was devouring lots and lots of calories in.

And that was just one of it. There were muffins, omelets, sweet coffee, dark coffee and white coffee…

The most satisfying of all, was to see Steph wrote this in her blog…… (I took the liberty of copy-pasting without any permission…)

And not to forget, had a greattttttt weekend! =) haven’t been soaked in happy hormones for a long time now….. Jia Jin and I made each other laugh till our sides ache in the first minute, and before we know it, the very next minute, we’re discussing intellectually about the ignorance of human going unnoticed, about the evolving of the structure of our society. =| uh-huh…. and the next thing we know, we spent an hour conducting experiments in the kitchen to bust the myth of instant white coffee. oh, and by the way, we stopped because he got too frustrated that he drove his fists into the wall in a punch and broke his knuckles. so I had to rush him to the hospital.

Okay okay, i’m making my sister very uncomfortable now. No worries, lots of philosophical, heavy and boring thoughts are hatching in my minds now. Will blog about them soon.

Just another picture.

Courtesy of my long hands. Comes in pretty handy. And the background in the vineyard behind my house.

About our hearts

“That’s a hard one” or “Piece of cake” is the expression that we hear often, describing the difficulty of a certain task. That’s how I see things as well, that every task has its absolute scale of “hardness”. Of course it’s based of skill as well, if you’re experienced and well-trained, then things would be easy.

Recently I’m starting to have a change of mind. However funny it may sound, the object that spurred me into blogging this down is some very tasty muffins.

Not that anyone who know hers fail to notice this fact, but just let me say this once more – Steph is a really talented baker. And that was an understatement.

Baking is a very tiresome work, as all mothers and the few fathers would testify. She woke up really early this morning to bake and welcome me with some muffins. As I don’t have any class, all I had to do was to wait for this guy to set up the internet while she’s at work. Munching the muffin while sipping some really good coffee (Breakfast blend from Starbucks) and reading a good book (A short history of nearly everything by Bill Bryson), I wonder what a good deal I have (though it was not meant as a reward).

I felt slightly guilty though that she had to wake up so early and wished that she hadn’t done it. But as she emphatically claimed that baking muffins (for me) makes her happy, I realized I was wrong.

Surely this is just a sign of lovers in love, but please excuse me and let me just to indulge in this a little more.

It reminds of the times when I helped her to shift around. After dozens of boxes and hundreds of kilometers, instead of feeling tired and exhausted, I found myself feeling happy, recharged and more than willing to repeat it all over again the next day. Surely it’s not because of the words of gratefulness plus the smile she gave me at the end of it? =)

Before this post becomes too cheeky, let me drift to the main point, that is, coupled with just a little skill, motivation can bring you a long, long way.

It reminds me of the times when I taught someone impatiently. Though I imparted some useful knowledge, the crushed spirit made it counter productive. It reminds me of the times when I have a kindred spirit in a certain project. Time past fast, things get done and well, in one word, synergy. It reminds me of the story of crushed children with a driven spirit, searching their parents’ approval as their sole motive in life.

I’m having a problem here. Everytime when I blog about a thought, after putting down my thought and reading through it again, it invariably becomes common sense. I’m just stating the obvious. Maybe that’s how things are, obvious. We just need to be reminded of it once in a while.

Before leaving, I cleaned all the leftover dishes, wipe the kitchen counter and mopped the floor squeaky clean. Was it tiring? Surely. But sitting in the train while typing this now, I can’t help having this smile on my face thinking about the glad face Steph would have when she reached home.

Ignore me. =p

Of being a mentor

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After missing from the blogging scene for sometime, I posted something a few days ago. Little did I know that people DO read my blog. “Overwhelming response” would be an overstatement, but I do feel very encouraged by the feedback from others. One even said that I’ve not updated my blog for “awfully long”, what a compliment.

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The small talk part of the post, is an idea that I took from my mentee. It’s common sense, but the idea that you can learn from someone you’re supposed to teach only sinks in when you’re really in.

Since the beginning of last year, finally another Christian came to my town. I took him to join my church and before I realized it, I became his mentor.

Half a year later, when one of my friends left for USA for further studies, I literally “took over” his mentee and therefore ended up with two mentees.

Long ago in Malaysia, I participated in a mentor-mentee program. As in a lot of things in Malaysia, it was a prescribed medicine. You just have to go through several lessons together and the mentor-menteeship is considered completed. Of course, what can you expect from 15-16 years old?

So it was only until last year that I started learning about being someone’s mentor.

I’ve been teased pretty often of wanting to be a dad. I don’t deny it. Well, although my mentees are gonna come after me for this statement, I think becoming a mentor is a first step in learning to become a father.

Did I know how to be someone’s mentor? Not at all. Surely the arrogant and all-knowing me had some ideas of “nurturing” someone. However it was only becoming a mentor that taught me how to be one. The analogy that you can draw is therefore, it’s unrealistic to know totally how to become a dad before deciding to be one. You learn it during the process. For that matter, it’s the same for almost everything, you only really learn a thing when you’re in it.

Being a mentor, to me, is simply being a friend. It’s not an easy thing for me because being a friend means revealing yourself, including and especially the dark sides. In fact, one of my biggest fear/worry is that they’d find out all the skeletons in my closet, all the things I’ve screwed up in and all the people I’ve hurt. They might not respect me anymore.

What I learnt though, is that unless you’re real to someone, you can’t really get close to someone. In the early phase of my relationship with Steph, it was a tough time for me and I was emotionally weak. More than a few times, I couldn’t take it and simply broke down in front of her (or through the phone, that’s quite a characteristic of our relationship but more about that next time). It’s not something that I do with ease. In fact, I probably wouldn’t do it under normal circumstances. Little did I know that it actually helped our relationship tremendously. Somehow there’s this bond between two person who’s seen each other’s weak side. And I don’t think I’ve lost her respect because of it (I hope =P).

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The first time I saw my mentee mentioned about me in his blog, I felt slightly weird. The advice that I gave, the words that I’ve spoken actually had an impact and left an impression. That’s weird in a positive way. I found myself asking “was my lesson really that good? =)”

It feels great to know someone is learning from me. I wonder whether that’s how it feels when your kid learns from you. Mom and Dad, how was it last time?

That, of course, means that I have to be careful with my words and advice. I can no longer crap whatever I want. Frankly, I don’t mind that. It seems to be the next step in character growth – to be responsible with what you say.

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I also have something to say that would really really piss them off (Yes, they read my blog). I’m just glad that I’m given a chance to make mistakes now and not on my children =P. They are adults and they can take it, I’m sure.

Impatience is one of my biggest enemies (together with pride, lack of compassion etc. etc….). When I told one of my close friends that I want to be a teacher one day, he told me that it’s gonna be hard because I can’t always grasp the difficulty that others are facing while learning. Because something is obvious to me doesn’t mean it’s so for others.

I often share with steph about what I teach or say. A frequent feedback that I can be more gentle and patient. (Steph is really loving, you know? Instead of saying that I’m too harsh, which is what I would say, she uses positive criticism.)

Obviously I have tonnes to learn in this journey. This morning, while having breakfast together with one of mentee, he told me that I can’t be so nice to him. I think he’s really not used to me being nice. I am always this monster who’s ready to pounce and roar at the first opportunity. He even said that it’s steph who has changed me, which I don’t deny. But just so he knows, the monster is very much inside, just don’t step on the wrong tail.

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On a lighter note, I apparently really did step on the wrong tail with my post last week. My dad was so mad at me for using the word “old” on him that he spent half an hour giving me all the evidences that he’s alive and kicking yesterday.

It reminds me where I got all my logical skills from. He started with an introduction about this Astro advertisement about bored and lonely parents. Then just when I don’t realised it, he said, “That’s how you described me last week, you know…….”. Oops. Then he moved on in asking me to give him the definition of being old, which made me laughed inside because that’s exactly how I talked to others. Surely he disproved every single possible evidence that he’s old. After that he did some reflection that he probably didn’t sound energetic last time that has cause some misunderstanding in me.

After listening to my dad describing his current life situation, it made me slightly jealous of him. “The best time in his life” was how he described it. Let me recount it, it’s something that I’ve told others as well

1. When you’re young, you have time, energy but no money

2. When you’re an adult, you have energy, money but no time

3. When you’re old, you have money, time but no energy.

And because my dad retire relatively early, he has time, energy and money! How can you argue with that? I’m not surprised because it’s his ability to convince people that had fed us for the past 20 years. I doubt that my dad is pretending and am glad to listen to his energetic self again.

It’s really a wonder how much strength and support your family can provide you.