I seldom make it a secret that I want to be a dad, as soon as possible, knowing that I’m vastly unprepared for it.

While browsing through all the bookstores in UK two weeks ago, I found myself flipping through books talk about the development of the children, or 100 tricks a dad should know…

Besides wanting to teach my children about whatever I can, I also want to cook for them! So I found myself sharing with others how I want to share the responsibility with my wife when it comes to cooking, that I want my child to not just miss mom’s cooking, but dad’s too! (To men: Imagine how proud you’d be if your child says “I miss dad’s cooking!’”)

My greatest fear? That my children would dread the days when I’m cooking. That they’d look into each other with horror and whisper “dad’s cooking!! NO…”

So I need lots of training. Sadly, four years in Germany didn’t make me a good cook. But I’m learning, albeit slowly.

After getting the idea from Jo in York, I tried to cook Udon beef mee myself.

  Chef dad wanna-be

I wondered aloud that day whether my kids would like coffee. And just like any parents with a “bad” habit, they don’t want their children to adopt that habit while unwilling to give it up themselves. Think: Don’t do what I do, do what I tell you to do! Well, it won’t work. So I devised a strategy, I would ask them to drink a superbly strong espresso while they’re young. It’d be so strong that they’d spit it out and develop a coffee-phobia. *evil laughs…

Thanks to aunty Judy, I got a french press for christmas present. Now I can brew coffee from ground beans:

Notice the three layers =)

But anyway, what’s wrong if my kids like coffee? We could enjoy them together while talking in garden, continuing the tradition that my parents build up.

Disclaimer: In case you don’t know me. I’m still very much unmarried, far from having kids. I simply like to think and fantasize a lot. Fantasizing about being a dad is one of my favorite. =) 

"…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."  Phillipians 4:8

Reading this above passage, i was reminded of a story I was recently told:

A dad was telling a boy a story (a story in a story =p )
"There were two wolves fighting with one another, each fierce and uncompromising, looking for a chance to devour one another at the first opportunity.

A wolf is called hate, deceit, pride, lust, debauchery, lies, adultery, murder, envy……….

Another wolf is called love, joy, peace, patient, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self control…… "
The boy, clinging to the father’s pant (as all kids do while listening to an exciting story), asked "who’d win, dad? Who’d win?"

"The one you feed the most."

That was a very simple story, but one that provokes thinking about thinking. =)

I like to think, not so sure about the quality of my thinking, but i like to think. I like think about how i can effectively use my time in the train ride from home to work (20 mins of calling someone in the bus, 40 mins of reading a book in the train, and 20 mins of nap in the bus), I like to think about how racism can be effectively solved in Malaysia (this requires another blog post), I like to think about how best to raise up my children (this requires 10 posts)…… But I don’t necessary think about the good things, sometimes I think too little about my own personal relationship with God and too much about the next gadget I’d like to have in my hand (I just got a bluetooth headphone!! with AD2P!!…..), sometimes I think too much about my OWN enjoyment and too little about the needs of people around me.

Sometimes we neglect the importance of thinking, and focus too much on the doing. What we seldom realized is that we are the product of our thoughts, not our actions. And though we can fake some actions out, it’s not sustainable.

Surrounding ourselves with good inputs
One of the lessons that i remember from the MYF days (church youth) was GIGO. It is a very vivid description - Garbage In Garbage Out. Whatever we receive as input, it’d ultimately transform into an output. Your input will determine the things you think about and eventually the output, your actions.

Input –> Thinking –> Output

At the time of teaching, it was to discourage us youth from playing too many computer games (for guys) or reading too many magazines (girls). The thing that I need to remind myself always is that it’s much better to avoid the bad input that throwing them out later. No matter how much reasoning we do to push the bad input, it’ll influence us. That’s why it’s better to switch off the TV rather than letting it running in the background. Well, I’m talking specifically about the MTV channel. It amazed me a little what they are showing nowadays.

Surrounding ourselves with good people
Another input that’s as critical as the media is simply the people around us, especially the words. The Bible puts it very clearly:

"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" Proverbs 12:18

One of the things that I feel very strongly about is the putting down acts of parents towards the children, which is pretty rampant in the traditional family (though with increasing exposure, most parents, i hope, are stopping this practise). Stern words are necessary but words that serves no purpose other than putting down are simply destructive, giving the child a picture of self-worth that might stay there for the whole life.

Even as we’re older and capable of making choices, it remains important to choose our company. It’s indeed foolish to surround ourselves with "ass-licking" people, as the Germans put it but it’s none the wiser to mix up with people who continuously discourage us in everything we do. I was only reminded yesterday that I had been too harsh to my mentee, even it was out of good intention, my harsh words, well, they were simply too harsh.

I’m actually typing this on the train with my laptop, just trying how to utilize my time on train. Been travelling for about 10 hours per week on train since October. One of the things I have in Germany is the opportunity and time to think. It can feel lonely sometimes but I guess it’s a phase I’m going through in life. Back in Malaysia, with the abundant social life and the mouth-watering, finger-licking-good food all around you, there isn’t much time to do some reflection. I guess it’s a balancing act, my challenge is to reach out to the people here, understanding the culture and building up relationships with people. Maybe your challenge is to reach in, understanding yourself, your stengths and weakness, your dreams and desires, your priorities and goals.

It’s time to think.

I’m currently, officially in my holidays, =) Not that I think I’ve achieved much in this year, but it was an eventful and sometimes tiring year behind me.

So after taking 3 hours train to the airport, 2 hours of flight, 5 hours of wandering around in the airport, 1 hour of travelling to london and another 3 hours of train, I’m finally in York.

Meeting up with an old friend is always, always a very nice and enjoyable event. So for the past two days, I’ve been spending so much time just talking (and hopefully listening =P). Updating each other of past years, people in our lives and thoughts that we had, it’s just so much fun. And for two days in a row now, I have this slight sore in the throat, well, due to too much talking of course.

Especially reminding each other of our childhoods, and those dreams and impressions we had of one another, it refreshes my perceptives and reinforces my desire to reach my goals.

Hope that this christmas holidays will do these to me - to simply relax and rest, while renewing my perspectives.

Merry Christmas to All!!

they say that to stay sane, you need to be crazy once in a while.

So that’s what I (tried to) do this evening.

To do crazy stuff, you need some motivation. check

To do crazy stuff, you need time. Erm… on a lazy Saturday afternoon. check

To do crazy stuff, you need to have something crazy stuff to do. Duh

So I decided to bake a cake today.

Okay! Baking a cake is for some of you like eating rice everyday. Not for me, not for me.

The dough

In the oven

The icing

Out from the oven

Separated

First layer

done!

ready for delivery!

Verdict: too flawed, better keep it inside the fridge. =(

It’s been a while, more than a while since I last posted anything on the web.

When I received my bill for my website today, it reminded me that I’ve set up this blog exactly a year ago. Judging by its current trend, it has the tendency of becoming another 3-minute-heat project, isn’t it?

Since the turn of the year, I’ve been trying to blog down concrete thoughts instead of updates of my life. It has worked, until the thoughts stop coming, which happens to be now.

Recently I was reminded by my parents again that they (and maybe you) are more interested in what’s happening to me instead of what’s going on in my mind.

So here it is, a little update in my life. I always have the tendency of explaining why I am writing something and concentrate very little on what I am writing…

Christmas is coming soon, and for the first time this year (except Malaysia), I’m going out from Germany! Destination would be England, among others, I’m going to visit Jo! Now I’m not trying to boast or be bitter, but after being told by all my friends since ages ago that they’re going to visit me, in the end it’s me who’s going to visit my friends. =) think: king fu last year, joanna this year =)

But even as I’ve not been travelling much, due to some fortunate and unfortunate circumstances, money has been flowing out pretty fast. Like the mucus flowing out of my running nose that day…

My parents are coming next year! Due to the initial excitement generated by AirAsiaX offer to london last week, I acted fast and got a two to and flo flights to London for RM4000. Not the cheapest, but a good deal I’d say. Though it’d squeezed my account a little (have to complain), I’m really looking forward to bring my parents around Europe next May.

Life after study – more studies. I’m still resolute to continue on with PhD. Though I’ve been talking quite some time about it, and people like King Fu and Eddy and…… etc. have already started on their PhD for quite some time now, I’m still talking about it.

Yes, I’m ONLY graduating NEXT year, and I’m 24! OKAY!!??

Last week, I was at a leader’s conference in Berlin. I sat with a girl who was doing her PhD as well in Malaysia.

“So are you working here?”

“Eh? no, I’m still studying.”

“Oh… PhD?”

“…nope!”

“Masters??”

“..nope!”

……………

Okay, I guess I look really wise and mature for my age.

Besides studying, doing a project, teaching, working part time and taking care of two mentees, who happens to be ungrateful and kutuk me on their blogs, I’m also working on some areas in my personal life, but more on that next time.

So what else can I update you?

My mind is itching towards new gadgets, again, but one look at my account is sufficient to sober me. But maybe not for long. We’ll see.

So I guess that’s it. I can’t wait for Christmas, where finally I’d have some well-deserved rest.

Till next post.

My dad jst had his 55th birthday. Happy belated Birthday! I love you.

Maybe it was because he was spending the birthday alone, with his family spread across 4 different countries, he sounded a little reflective and thoughtful.

“Do you know what the five circles in the Olympic logo signify?”

“Ermm.. the five continents?”

“Smart, but do you know that God has also given us 5 gold medals (the circles) to use during our lifetime?”

“mmm…”

“They are the 幼年(infant/child)，少年(teen)，青年(adult)，中年(midlife)，老年(old age).”

“mmm..”

“Do you what happens after you use up all the “medals”?”

“err.. die"?”

“很可‘年’(怜)loh… (very pitiful – it rhymes with the word “year” in chinese)”

I laughed.

My dad is really good at telling us stories, he always take whatever opportunities available to teach us something through stories. As children, we didn’t always appreciate it, telling him always “You’ve told us for the 379th time already LAHHHH…”

Funny thing is, even though I’ve forgotten a lot of the lessons he taught us, the stories remain.

After putting down the phone though, I experienced some homesickness for someday. Miss eating my mom’s food, miss driving my dad around (oh yes, that’s what I always do when I’m back in Ipoh), miss sitting in the garden…

And now, listening to my dad, I wish I can be back to accompany him, even just for a few days.

An aunt told me that day, that’s the dilemma every parent has to face. If they want their children to be smart and successful, they will probably leave them. If their children are always by their side, the chances are that they are not so successful (not always though).

As I’m starting to look for a place to start my PhD work, I know that it’ll mean a further few years away from Malaysia. I’m quite sure, if the opportunities are there, that it’s what I wish to do as well.

But there is a price to pay, no?

I stared inside the pot with horror even as the small mountain of rice stared back at me.

With the intention of cooking porridge, I accidentally poured in half a packet of rice into the pot. If you’ve ever cooked porridge, you’d know that it needs lots and lots of water. With the small pot on the stove, the water inside is not even enough to cook the rice, and of course not porridge.

With panic and disappointment drowning the atmosphere, the next half hour was spent in rescue effort. You can’t start worst than that. The rice was scooped out to a bowl so that more water can be put in. The chicken and mushroom slices that I’ve cut can’t be put in and ended up in the bowl as well.

Even with all the effort, it seemed that it was still heading towards disaster. The water boiled over now and then, it was neither rice nor porridge. Unwilling to give up, the rice was scooped out again and again and more water was added in.

Slowly but surely, the texture changed, the hard rice finally softened itself and blended nicely with water so that you can no longer differentiate them. Light has appeared at the end of the tunnel.

But what is to be done with the bowl of half-cooked rice, with some slices of mushroom and chicken? Another stove was turned on, some garlics were chopped and eggs were broken. 15 minutes later, one nice plate of fried rice is done. As the rice was cooked with chicken essence for a while, it tasted superb and became an AQBD.

I was taught that you can learn precious lessons even in mundane stuff. Apparently you can apply that in cooking as well. You can start off something in the worst possible way. But with a little patience, a little perseverance, a little hope and a little love, it will turn into a diamond someday.

A few weeks ago,  big bro sent a sms to all of us, asking us excitedly to read your blog. Since I subscribe to your blog, I won’t miss it. But noting the excitement, I knew it would be something special.

And sure it was.

When I first blogged about dad, you asked me jokingly to blog something about you as well. Honestly, I wanted to then, even listed down the things I want to say. But procrastination set in, and I didn’t write it. I hope I’ll do it this time around. =)

After thinking hard, however, I don’t what I can write to my sis. I can write a long piece about the philosophy of life, or maybe striving hard in life, or nagging about not indulging in the life in Subang.

But all those would probably be boring.
(And I’m lazy to write those things as well…)

So in this short note, I have only one simple thing to say:

We love you and you can rely and depend on us.

When I was at your age, I didn’t know what to do in the future. I knew what I was good at but had no idea how to put it into use except scoring in exams. I don’t know whether you’re going through the same thing or not. Maybe you thought you like economics but find out otherwise. Maybe you’re having a dilemma to decide what to study in the future.

This sounds really cliché but I’d say it anyway. Follow your heart, search your gifts and do something you really like.

And my reasoning? Because you are talented in a lot of ways. But most of all, you have us if you fall, if you fail. You have your family.

Me and bro, sometimes we have to make decision based on a lot of factors. Be it financially, career or circumstances. So we can’t always do the things we like. NOT that I don’t like what I’m doing now. Be it fair or unfair, you have the luxury and freedom to choose as the youngest child.

So don’t waste this opportunity.

I’ve always told you that you’re talented in different ways than both of us. You can easily bring people from different backgrounds together, rich or poor, educated or not and all of us in the family see it in your life. Being someone who can’t do that, I can only tell you that it’s really something precious. It’s a gift.

And of course, you have a great imagination. I still remember the stories you were telling when you were in the primary school. So genuine, so out of the box and sometimes dad and mom wonders where you got those things. I have to say, however, that I’ve been seeing less of it in recent years. But it’s still in you, you just have to dig it out and polish it again.

I can imagine a whole varieties of path you can tread with those gifts. Be it journalist, author, reporter, consultant, speaker (like bro) and so on… No, these are not conventional jobs, but what’s the point of being conventional.

And I’m pretty sure all of us in the family will support you in it.

Don’t I have any recent pictures? Of course I do. It’s just that… I can’t find any cute ones…. =P… maybe this one?

You love your bro, don’t you?

*****due to unceasing pressure, a certain picture has been taken down**********

It’s a cloudy day, summer is slowly slipping away, ushering the coming autumn.

Just like last year. And the year before that.

I decided to cook myself a curry chicken for lunch, chopping the poor fellow into pieces.

Just like last year. And the year before that.

(*blush, I admit I put the camera in front of the cupboard, setting up the 10-sec mode, and posted for the picture. Self-entertainment can go a looong way.)

And I wonder, are things simply repeating themselves? Am I just doing the same thing every day, every week, every month and every year? Am I….. running on the hamster wheel?

Going to class every semester. Going to work every holiday. Going to church every Sunday. Going back Malaysia every year.

Sounds pretty boring and…. depressing, isn’t it?

An idea suddenly struck me as I was stirring my curry chicken round and round like a hamster wheel. (Almost) Being an Engineer, can it be that our wheels are not hinged?  (Hinge is the part that goes through the center of the wheel, lifting it up, ensuring that the wheel only rotates at the same position.)

Like this guy here. Let’s call it a human wheel.

They are still the same mechanism. They are doing the same movements, moving and moving in rounds. Their front view are always the same. And it’s also never ending. But there’s one thing that makes all the difference:

the guy is moving somewhere.

Maybe I am also moving somewhere with my life?

In the past 45 months, 
my thinking has matured a little,
my ability in planning, organizing and getting things done has improved a little,
my knowledge of the world has grown a little,
my relationship with Mom and Dad has shifted to a fulfilling friendship a little.
my friends have increased a little,
my skills in engineering has hiked a little,
my bank account has gained from 4-figure to…… to… erm, let’s ignore this.
my understanding of God has, through trial, difficulties and mistakes, been better, much better

So I am indeed moving somewhere then. Maybe we should all sometimes stop for a while and look at the scenery around us. Though we are doing the same thing all these while, maybe we have indeed moved, we have indeed changed.

The question is of course then, where are we moving??

For that, I guess we’d have to step away from the wheel once in a while, to have a clear front view, to have a big picture. If we like where we’re going, we move on. If not, we’d have to shift the wheel a little, and we move on.

Maybe you’re moving somewhere in your life as well? Do you like where you are going? If not, where would like to move then?

Remember you’re in a human wheel. 

Time to get back to my curry chicken. Believe it or not. It even tastes a little better.

Goal : To make someone hungry. =)

Have I succeeded?