Life, Thoughts and Me

updates

It’s been a while, more than a while since I last posted anything on the web.

When I received my bill for my website today, it reminded me that I’ve set up this blog exactly a year ago. Judging by its current trend, it has the tendency of becoming another 3-minute-heat project, isn’t it?

Since the turn of the year, I’ve been trying to blog down concrete thoughts instead of updates of my life. It has worked, until the thoughts stop coming, which happens to be now.

Recently I was reminded by my parents again that they (and maybe you) are more interested in what’s happening to me instead of what’s going on in my mind.

So here it is, a little update in my life. I always have the tendency of explaining why I am writing something and concentrate very little on what I am writing…

Christmas is coming soon, and for the first time this year (except Malaysia), I’m going out from Germany! Destination would be England, among others, I’m going to visit Jo! Now I’m not trying to boast or be bitter, but after being told by all my friends since ages ago that they’re going to visit me, in the end it’s me who’s going to visit my friends. =) think: king fu last year, joanna this year =)

But even as I’ve not been travelling much, due to some fortunate and unfortunate circumstances, money has been flowing out pretty fast. Like the mucus flowing out of my running nose that day…

My parents are coming next year! Due to the initial excitement generated by AirAsiaX offer to london last week, I acted fast and got a two to and flo flights to London for RM4000. Not the cheapest, but a good deal I’d say. Though it’d squeezed my account a little (have to complain), I’m really looking forward to bring my parents around Europe next May.

Life after study – more studies. I’m still resolute to continue on with PhD. Though I’ve been talking quite some time about it, and people like King Fu and Eddy and…… etc. have already started on their PhD for quite some time now, I’m still talking about it.

Yes, I’m ONLY graduating NEXT year, and I’m 24! OKAY!!??

Last week, I was at a leader’s conference in Berlin. I sat with a girl who was doing her PhD as well in Malaysia.

“So are you working here?”

“Eh? no, I’m still studying.”

“Oh… PhD?”

“…nope!”

“Masters??”

“..nope!”

……………

Okay, I guess I look really wise and mature for my age.

Besides studying, doing a project, teaching, working part time and taking care of two mentees, who happens to be ungrateful and kutuk me on their blogs, I’m also working on some areas in my personal life, but more on that next time.

So what else can I update you?

My mind is itching towards new gadgets, again, but one look at my account is sufficient to sober me. But maybe not for long. We’ll see.

So I guess that’s it. I can’t wait for Christmas, where finally I’d have some well-deserved rest.

Till next post.

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missing my family

My dad jst had his 55th birthday. Happy belated Birthday! I love you.

Maybe it was because he was spending the birthday alone, with his family spread across 4 different countries, he sounded a little reflective and thoughtful.

“Do you know what the five circles in the Olympic logo signify?”

“Ermm.. the five continents?”

“Smart, but do you know that God has also given us 5 gold medals (the circles) to use during our lifetime?”

“mmm…”

“They are the 幼年(infant/child)，少年(teen)，青年(adult)，中年(midlife)，老年(old age).”

“mmm..”

“Do you what happens after you use up all the “medals”?”

“err.. die"?”

“很可‘年’(怜)loh… (very pitiful – it rhymes with the word “year” in chinese)”

I laughed.

My dad is really good at telling us stories, he always take whatever opportunities available to teach us something through stories. As children, we didn’t always appreciate it, telling him always “You’ve told us for the 379th time already LAHHHH…”

Funny thing is, even though I’ve forgotten a lot of the lessons he taught us, the stories remain.

After putting down the phone though, I experienced some homesickness for someday. Miss eating my mom’s food, miss driving my dad around (oh yes, that’s what I always do when I’m back in Ipoh), miss sitting in the garden…

And now, listening to my dad, I wish I can be back to accompany him, even just for a few days.

An aunt told me that day, that’s the dilemma every parent has to face. If they want their children to be smart and successful, they will probably leave them. If their children are always by their side, the chances are that they are not so successful (not always though).

As I’m starting to look for a place to start my PhD work, I know that it’ll mean a further few years away from Malaysia. I’m quite sure, if the opportunities are there, that it’s what I wish to do as well.

But there is a price to pay, no?

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coal to diamond

I stared inside the pot with horror even as the small mountain of rice stared back at me.

With the intention of cooking porridge, I accidentally poured in half a packet of rice into the pot. If you’ve ever cooked porridge, you’d know that it needs lots and lots of water. With the small pot on the stove, the water inside is not even enough to cook the rice, and of course not porridge.

With panic and disappointment drowning the atmosphere, the next half hour was spent in rescue effort. You can’t start worst than that. The rice was scooped out to a bowl so that more water can be put in. The chicken and mushroom slices that I’ve cut can’t be put in and ended up in the bowl as well.

Even with all the effort, it seemed that it was still heading towards disaster. The water boiled over now and then, it was neither rice nor porridge. Unwilling to give up, the rice was scooped out again and again and more water was added in.

Slowly but surely, the texture changed, the hard rice finally softened itself and blended nicely with water so that you can no longer differentiate them. Light has appeared at the end of the tunnel.

But what is to be done with the bowl of half-cooked rice, with some slices of mushroom and chicken? Another stove was turned on, some garlics were chopped and eggs were broken. 15 minutes later, one nice plate of fried rice is done. As the rice was cooked with chicken essence for a while, it tasted superb and became an AQBD.

I was taught that you can learn precious lessons even in mundane stuff. Apparently you can apply that in cooking as well. You can start off something in the worst possible way. But with a little patience, a little perseverance, a little hope and a little love, it will turn into a diamond someday.

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a note to my sister

A few weeks ago,  big bro sent a sms to all of us, asking us excitedly to read your blog. Since I subscribe to your blog, I won’t miss it. But noting the excitement, I knew it would be something special.

And sure it was.

When I first blogged about dad, you asked me jokingly to blog something about you as well. Honestly, I wanted to then, even listed down the things I want to say. But procrastination set in, and I didn’t write it. I hope I’ll do it this time around. =)

After thinking hard, however, I don’t what I can write to my sis. I can write a long piece about the philosophy of life, or maybe striving hard in life, or nagging about not indulging in the life in Subang.

But all those would probably be boring.
(And I’m lazy to write those things as well…)

So in this short note, I have only one simple thing to say:

We love you and you can rely and depend on us.

When I was at your age, I didn’t know what to do in the future. I knew what I was good at but had no idea how to put it into use except scoring in exams. I don’t know whether you’re going through the same thing or not. Maybe you thought you like economics but find out otherwise. Maybe you’re having a dilemma to decide what to study in the future.

This sounds really cliché but I’d say it anyway. Follow your heart, search your gifts and do something you really like.

And my reasoning? Because you are talented in a lot of ways. But most of all, you have us if you fall, if you fail. You have your family.

Me and bro, sometimes we have to make decision based on a lot of factors. Be it financially, career or circumstances. So we can’t always do the things we like. NOT that I don’t like what I’m doing now. Be it fair or unfair, you have the luxury and freedom to choose as the youngest child.

So don’t waste this opportunity.

I’ve always told you that you’re talented in different ways than both of us. You can easily bring people from different backgrounds together, rich or poor, educated or not and all of us in the family see it in your life. Being someone who can’t do that, I can only tell you that it’s really something precious. It’s a gift.

And of course, you have a great imagination. I still remember the stories you were telling when you were in the primary school. So genuine, so out of the box and sometimes dad and mom wonders where you got those things. I have to say, however, that I’ve been seeing less of it in recent years. But it’s still in you, you just have to dig it out and polish it again.

I can imagine a whole varieties of path you can tread with those gifts. Be it journalist, author, reporter, consultant, speaker (like bro) and so on… No, these are not conventional jobs, but what’s the point of being conventional.

And I’m pretty sure all of us in the family will support you in it.

Don’t I have any recent pictures? Of course I do. It’s just that… I can’t find any cute ones…. =P… maybe this one?

You love your bro, don’t you?

*****due to unceasing pressure, a certain picture has been taken down**********

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about chicken, hamster and our life

It’s a cloudy day, summer is slowly slipping away, ushering the coming autumn.

Just like last year. And the year before that.

I decided to cook myself a curry chicken for lunch, chopping the poor fellow into pieces.

Just like last year. And the year before that.

(*blush, I admit I put the camera in front of the cupboard, setting up the 10-sec mode, and posted for the picture. Self-entertainment can go a looong way.)

And I wonder, are things simply repeating themselves? Am I just doing the same thing every day, every week, every month and every year? Am I….. running on the hamster wheel?

Going to class every semester. Going to work every holiday. Going to church every Sunday. Going back Malaysia every year.

Sounds pretty boring and…. depressing, isn’t it?

An idea suddenly struck me as I was stirring my curry chicken round and round like a hamster wheel. (Almost) Being an Engineer, can it be that our wheels are not hinged?  (Hinge is the part that goes through the center of the wheel, lifting it up, ensuring that the wheel only rotates at the same position.)

Like this guy here. Let’s call it a human wheel.

They are still the same mechanism. They are doing the same movements, moving and moving in rounds. Their front view are always the same. And it’s also never ending. But there’s one thing that makes all the difference:

the guy is moving somewhere.

Maybe I am also moving somewhere with my life?

In the past 45 months, 
my thinking has matured a little,
my ability in planning, organizing and getting things done has improved a little,
my knowledge of the world has grown a little,
my relationship with Mom and Dad has shifted to a fulfilling friendship a little.
my friends have increased a little,
my skills in engineering has hiked a little,
my bank account has gained from 4-figure to…… to… erm, let’s ignore this.
my understanding of God has, through trial, difficulties and mistakes, been better, much better

So I am indeed moving somewhere then. Maybe we should all sometimes stop for a while and look at the scenery around us. Though we are doing the same thing all these while, maybe we have indeed moved, we have indeed changed.

The question is of course then, where are we moving??

For that, I guess we’d have to step away from the wheel once in a while, to have a clear front view, to have a big picture. If we like where we’re going, we move on. If not, we’d have to shift the wheel a little, and we move on.

Maybe you’re moving somewhere in your life as well? Do you like where you are going? If not, where would like to move then?

Remember you’re in a human wheel. 

Time to get back to my curry chicken. Believe it or not. It even tastes a little better.

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Spaghetti Cabonara Origenelle (dry)

Goal : To make someone hungry. =)

Have I succeeded?

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cute thing

Yesterday was spent driving a mini beauty around. Such bliss!!

Isn’t she simply cute?? But it’s only when you really look inside that you truly discover her beauty….. =)

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commitment

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much….."

Luke 16:10a

I’m someone who functions on sparks. Sparks are sudden bursts of idea, energy and motivation. Often times, an idea comes to me and I’ll work diligently on it for a while. If it can be completed in a short time, the result would be great, able to impress. But if it drags on, the initial momentum will slip away slowly, resulting sometimes in complete abandonment of the idea.

My parents know it, they have used phrases like "hangat hangat tahi ayam" (hot like chicken shit - cools down fast), or "三分钟热度" (3 minutes of warm) to describe me, albeit with good intentions.

A friend asked me recently what bargerbarger.com is all about. Well, honestly, it’s simply another abandoned project.

Through the years, I’ve come to understand this part of me as well. I enjoy working in projects, a task with a clear time frame and goal in sight. Because of this, I’ve set my dream as being a project consultant, advising and giving ideas for projects. Working hard and get done with the project before moving on to another one.

free of schedule, free of responsibility, free of commitment.

Apparently some things in life don’t work that way. I was chatting with my church leader recently about eventually serving in the worship team. He expressed his worry in this area in my life - faithfulness. I’ve been serving in the sound team and he noticed that I’ve been missing some sessions and passing my responsibility to someone else recently.

Of course he, being even so gentle, expressed it gently with some turns. It’s amazing sometime how open we are to one another in church, knowing that we’re in a supportive environment. But that’s not the point in this post. The point is, I got his point immediately.

I guess I like to be in the forefront too much. I enjoyed being in the limelight, producing the most brilliant ideas and getting things done the quickest. Serving in the sound team, in comparison, seems a little too easy and boring.

But if I can’t be faithful in the simple tasks……..

A little more reflection brought me to the areas of relationship. Relationship needs time, patience and long long long long term investment. Although it’s usually the initial "love sparks" that trigger everything, it can’t survive on it. Faithfulness and commitment are simply essential.

Well, guilty as of charged. Time to get my acts together.

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Just some pics

Came back on Monday from Berlin and started work straight away on Tuesday. I wonder whether I’d really learn the lesson of relaxing.

The moment I stepped into the office, I was confronted with this.

My colleague who just finished the job and left decided to finish his post-in notes on me as well. *touched. Well, he did this as well:

I can’t help but to smile while cleaning things up. A normal German would have frowned at the waste of paper. But well, he is a French and I’m a Malaysian, so no one frowned =)

It’s sometimes sad to see people, good people come and go from your live.

***********

While cracking my head on a software during the week, I noticed some pattern in my coffee cup.

It was then that I realized that I’ve finished my mocha (made my baby Dolce Gusto of course) in 5 sips. In between them I continued on my work than the stain formed on the wall.

I could really derive an analogy of life from it you know, but well, pretty tired at the moment, just let an interesting picture to be just a picture.

I finally got back my books stored in my friend’s place for half a year. After I arranged them on the shelves. It became

Not very impressive yet. Partially due to the fact that some of my books are still at the hands of others.

Books are to be enjoyed, to be savoured (with a cup of cappuccino). Somehow, the amount of books can be a source of pride. A proclamation of the knowledge in my mind. I guess the Bible is right - knowledge puffs up. Maybe it’s time for me to relearn the joy of just reading a good old book…. maybe with a Latte. =)

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bitterness

Remember how we act when we were young? Well, we usually don’t =P. But let’s think about it, we usually say kids aren’t very good at controling their emotion. They cry, they shout, they laugh, they get angry just as they want, getting to our nerves in the process. Those kids that don’t display such emotions are therefore called good kids. Most parents would be proud to have such kids.

Today, though, it struck me that there’s this feeling that kids don’t experience - bitterness.

When do we feel bitter? When we feel being taken for granted, when we feel not being appreciated, when we harbor resentment in our hearts, and so on. When we look at it, what is the common denominator among things that’ll lead to bitterness? Unexpressed emotions.

In biology classes, we’ve learnt that our tongue is sensitive to different tastes at different parts. Guess which part of it is sensitive to bitter? At the back of it. Maybe that’s how the word came by — all the emotions at the back of our heart.

Isn’t it? The reason why I use children as an example is that we never ask our children NOT to keep things to ourselves, we’d be happy if they stay silent the whole day. But since children show their emotions easily anyway, you can’t really find a bitter child.

But as age sets in, as understanding sets in… and ironically, as maturity sets in, so does bitterness. We slowly learn how to keep things to ourselves, how to control our emotions and not let them control us. That’s how we were taught, and that’s what supposed to make us successful, and ultimately… happy. When we’re offended, don’t show our anger. When after doing a whole lot for someone and that person seems not to have noticed it, don’t show our disappointment.

But as the law of energy  says that you can’t destroy energy, you can’t destroy emotion. They only change their form and in this case, they change into bitterness.

Remember my post about kill-joys? Bitterness is one of them as well, and probably a worse one. You started doing something noble, something excellent, out of the intention of showing your love, showing your kindness, showing your care. You even enjoy doing it, enjoy seeing a smile on the other person’s face. But somewhere along the way, things changed.

Charity/Volunteered work becomes a responsibility.  Instead of being thanked, you’re being blamed for doing the job good enough. Instead of being asked for favor sincerely everytime, you’re expected to get the job done.

Needless to say. It’s bad, very bad indeed. How to get rid of it then? Well, since bitterness is essentially unspoken, unexpressed emotion, I guess we have to start getting them out. For that you’d need a sounding board, someone whom you can “blah” out everything without worrying about being judged by it (I call it a wonderwall as well =), but about that next time.)

And when the time is right, maybe, just maybe the next step might be expressing how you feel to the parties involved. Too often the people who’s causing the bitterness don’t even know about it, assuming you’re happy to help, to get involved. Are they ungrateful? Probably not. They just don’t know about it.

So are you feeling bitter? Maybe the answer is not a sweet but to spit out the things in your mouth.

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